Superego, Ego, and the Rare Id
As much as I'd like to not give Freud any acknowledgement, there is this one concept of mind I can somewhat see eye-to-eye with him on. Albeit, I've certainly twisted this whole thing much more for my own purposes than to follow a long dead man's model.
To potentially be a bit odd, sometimes I get the sense that I have some drastically different personalities dependent on mood and whatever a circumstance demands of me within a specific moment.
And then you say "Well isn't that everyone...?" Man, idk, I'm here talking to myself in a void. Shut up strawman stranger. Does everyone see the same colours? Doubtful.
This aside- these are masks, in one sense. Maybe you'd think of them easier like skillsets from Disco Elysium? Each with their own unique personality and understanding of the world.
I've been finding it easier to group them up into my own three very generalized categories. Good things come in threes after all.
Lately and typically, I find myself rather lackadaisical. My emotions shift with the wind, but are usually fairly mellow. I'm not particularly concerned with anything when anybody asks what's on my mind. "Oh, not much, just tired today!" Always tired. But not tired enough to stop cracking jokes and teasing people.
This is someone who's much more fixated on the trees than on the actual forest. If I do have any concerns, it's on level with "petty gossip." I of course justify it as good information to know about the people around us.
"I picked up our workplace phone, announced who I was, and they just hung up without a word! Can you believe the nerve? Whoever that was is the one who really needs the customer service training, L-O-L!"
This sort of mode of thinking feels very much like The Ego for me. It's an easy, self-centered way to float through life.
But then there's the switch up...
Usually it's when things start getting a little more hectic, or if I'm finding myself having to professionally speak or interact with someone I'd really just rather not be around. Sometimes it presses through when there's something more concerning on my mind, something more about the world at large.
My mask shifts to something a bit sterner, a bit more no-nonsense. My posture becomes more important to me in that moment, my brain demanding my body to be just that bit taller. I find my voice wanting to follow suite. Lower pitched, even-toned. Listen to me.
My appearences matter, my words matter, and every action I take demands to be measured. I need to look good in front of everyone, of course. I'm being watched.
I go from friendly and open to someone a bit more unapproachable. Something a bit more... More what? That's hard to pinpoint.
How am I? That's not a concern. What about you? What I care about is that you just touched a 1770's painting for some ungodly reason.
"You're aware of how delicate these artworks are, aren't you? They're meant for all the general public to enjoy; if everyone decided to touch the art, it'd be ruined within a couple years."
...
"Don't do that again."
Cue the tight, unnatural smile.
That's Superego.
The forest is what matters most. Its concern is outside of itself or the immediate circle.
Someone wanting to be a bastion of order and concern. Not very likeable. But likeablity isn't very important for them. You're allowed to dislike them. You just have to work with them, is all they'd ask.
That leaves us finally with... The Id. Something a bit more private. Ego and Superego keep that tightly in check majority of the time. It slips through though, every-so-often.
Late nights, bad decisions, atrocious emotions that refuse to be filtered or squashed down. The feelings run so deep and so hard that I can feel their heaviness in my stomach - in my throat - like a malaise that washes over me so fully.
Every mistake comes crashing down upon me like heavy waves violently beating against craigy rocks. I'm all jagged and uneased.
How am I?! I'm a mess right now, isn't that obvious?!
"I can't talk now, I have to go-" as I hurriedly rush away, silent angry tears streaming down my face as I try quietly gasping for air in a secluded bathroom.
Id is sad. Id is angry. Untethered, unmoored, undone. A complete unraveling. Un- becomes my new modus operandi. You find the breadcrumbs of Id when I become quite unlike "myself" and yet "I" am completely raw. Arguably, most myself. Unfiltered. She's not remotely pretty to deal with or be around...
Sometimes Id just wants to fuck or eat or laze away consuming something - anything - to forget everything.
Not someone I'd ever like being. And yet this is fully apart of me.
These moments come to me and it's like trying to weather a sudden category 5 tornado that wants to rip everything from the earth and toss it miles away. I know full-well the likelihood that these feelings are brought on by an intense horomone cycle generally outside of my own control.
It doesn't change the reality of how I tend to feel alienated from myself. How I'm sometimes something closer to a warm-blooded animal, driven by a reptilian brain passed down through the ages.
It's complicated is an understatement of the century... But that's just how it is. Intense mood shifts, what's really new?
Maybe one day I'll get actual insurance to even consider figuring out all this mindfuckery... One day. But for now, I'm happy enough to lay beside my wife who loves me for all I am, and my three cats that demand nightly cuddles.
Good things come in threes...