The Playlist You Make When You're a Daughter with Mommy Issues
I have a playlist- Yeah, yeah, that sounds stupid af from the rip.
But hear me out.
-I have a playlist, and I first started it out by calling it "I Do Love You Mom" and the first song is Orange County by Gorillaz.
I recently renamed it to tack on "(i just need to do this)" after adding on Options by Mineral King.
If you wanna peek at it fully for yourself and have qobuz, then have at it. Otherwise, I can leave a screenshot for the folks who only want to look and think about picking through it on their own time.
I'm not your mom, do whatever you like.
It's normal for a lot of people to have perfectly fine relationships with their parents.
You see eachother often, maybe you live in the same town still and you get together for brunch, lunch, dinner, what-have-you. Or sure, you live far away, but you call eachother casually and often.
It's just... A normal kind of familial relationship.
And I'm jealous of you for that, by the way.
Or, maybe I'm moreso jealous of myself.
What I used to have, that felt a bit like a normal familial relationship when I was growing up as a child. Things became more complicated the older I grew. (What's new there?) Eventually, I chose to estrange myself from my whole family, despite the fact that it hurt a whole fucking lot.
It's a long and painful kind of story - one I considered laying all out.
But the more details I recalled, the more I felt myself getting lost in a labyrinth of emotion and memory.
It's a bit similar to cleaning out your house...
You start with intention, but the more you uncover, the more you find yourself pausing, reflecting on things you haven't seen or thought about in years.
And if you're familiar with hoarding - then you know that trying to clear these things out is about as difficult as literally pulling teeth. And there's a lot of fucking teeth. So I'd rather not subject you to all that.
We'll leave it at this... Things have gotten both a bit less weird and weirder, if that's possible. It's a moment where I'm not quite sure how I stand amongst my own family. I'm pretty certain I'm a black sheep, but I'm not sure if I'm actually disliked or hated for that. On some level I fear that derision, but I've operated under the assumption that it was simply something that was true.
I never really second-guessed that assumption.
I'm talking with my mom again, and being surprised that things are... Much more amicable than I could've really expected. It's honestly a bit scary.
I can only hope it's known... I just needed to do this.
I needed to move states away.
I needed to get away from a fraught household, and needed my own job, and my own finances. I needed independence, because then it would only be myself that needed improving, and I'd be the main reason for any of my own issues - as far as I was concerned.
And damn-it, that line of reasoning somehow worked for me.
But it was obviously very self-centered, and doesn't account for my entire family, and how one day I was there, and the next day I wasn't.
So of course I made a playlist about the thing, because how else do you emotionally register all of that without paying for a therapist, or doing endless journaling, or being forced to regularly talk about these things?
Hell no I'm not picking those other options. Bit too much of a penny-pincher, and too avoidant to heavily confront all that.
I'm subjecting myself and others to emo eldest daughter type shit instead.