The Virtues of Saying and Accepting 'No'
No isn't a Bad or Dirty word and I'm tired of people treating it like it is.
I had a former... Acquaintance. Friend-of-a-friend. We just didn't mesh.
Former acquaintance (A) really liked inviting me and our mutual friend (still one of my best friends!) to all manners of events and activities... Mostly revolving around drinking and bar crawls.
If not that, then it would heavily involve cosplay which... Even when you yourself are not cosplaying it's rough when you're the designated handler for your group. The group decked out in full Star Wars Armor, with bits and pieces needing to be replaced and readjusted often.
Walking duckling cosplayers in big fuck-all helmets who can't see, through throngs of people is certainly... Something that demands energy and some kind of skill. Just go up to anyone in full gear and ask specifically about handlers, they probably have stories for you. Anyway-
Consider that I'm working full time hours, with much of the "free time" I have spread out amongst most of my friends, and the rest of it is for making sure my apartment isn't falling into a hive of scum and villaney standards.
Mind, I get exhausted pretty easily. It thus becomes vital for me to actually know what is and isn't reasonable for me to be doing on a regular basis.
So No has become a regular part of my vocabulary.
"Dragon, do you wanna hang out this Sunday? It's so-and-so event. We're barcrawling!"
"Mmm. No, don't think so. Have fun tho!"
"Dragon, this con we only just heard about is happening this Friday, you'll be there, right?"
"That's a lil' last minute... Sorry, it's a no from me boss."
"Hey, wanna go to the bar with me n mutual friend?"
"Nah."
"Why not?"
"Just don't feel like it, s'all."
And so you can imagine, A was not a fan of this. At all. Enough so to try talking behind my back about it? Whatever, two can complain.
I don't like:
High effort activities
Drinking activities
Hanging out with anyone who can't take No as an answer
Rude people
I can sometimes go for a night out, or enjoy a bar! But it's really not my preference. Despite what some people may try to have you believe, your 20's doesn't have to be all about drinking and partying. I enjoy a cheeky stay at home with a beer or two. Privately.
I love watching movies, playing games, checking out local thrift stores, and going anywhere for a bite. I don't really wanna drink most of the time, and I rarely get through half a can of beer on an average night.
So I say No, and that's all it means, a simple No. It's a helpful No.
My No let's You Know that I Know I'm not going so No you won't see me. Know that.
Some folks don't like that, but like...? Sucks? If I wanna stay home to play videogames, it's really not anyone's business if I wanna prioritize that. I know my spoon theory damnit. I only have so many spoons!
Thankfully, it just isn't an issue for me most of the time, and that's because I surround myself with people who also get very accidentally busy.
We're all adults who are aware of the great meme of Adult Scheduling Conflicts. It isn't new information to us and we don't act shocked or irate when someone just can't make it to something. If we got upset everytime one of us couldn't catch a movie, then the fighting would be nonstop. I do not have the energy I did back in high school to be going back and forth with anybody...
Instead of getting upset, the solution is to usually set aside a time and event that specifically works - and is for - the person who couldn't make it last time. That's just.... Liking someone, and wanting to involve them, I fear.
My good friends hear my No, and then tell me-
"Aww, okay, we'll see you next time! You wanna try mini-golf or watching a movie at my place for a different weekend? Just bring whatever food and drinks you like!"
It really can be that painless... And if you find that the people around you make saying No a nail biting, tooth pulling ordeal...? I'm here to tell you it never has to be like that. People are out there who will graciously accept a decline, and won't treat it like it's your fault and your inability to care, when it's... Really the complete opposite case.
I care about not wasting people's time! I refuse to even pretend to be interested in partaking in something, just to last minute ditch on you. Now that's rude, and I would better understand people wanting to fight my ass if that's what I was constantly doing to them.
It's exhausting to mentally and physically prep for a get-together, only for people to cancel extremely last minute. Now that sucks.
Unfortunately A didn't and still doesn't really grasp most of this. Like at least 85% of it seems totally lost on them. C'est la vie. They likely won't be the last person who gets Big Mad at me for not wanting to drink everything all of the time forever and ever.
But for the folks reading this, maybe consider like... Actually talking candidly with the person who's not accepting your invites, if you really do care? Maybe their life's crazy right now. Maybe they're just fucking tired, but can hang if it's extremely low effort. Have you tried asking them if they like mini-golf, or even wanna try throwing a football with you...? You might be pleasantly surprised!
If that's not your vibe, maybe just quietly let those "loners" be. They're clearly doing their own thing and minding their business. If you don't like that, you really can just quietly exit their life. It's better than trying to take your anger out on them in any way. I can almost garauntee you're going to always look bad when you get upset at someone for not wanting to go out and do something with you...
Avoid that mistake altogether, just... Don't even make a whole thing of it.
If you want to keep and maintain your friendships with people that value their personal time and give you clear communication, then I implore you...
Accept their No. Take the genuine time and effort to figure out how to get their Yes. They will appreciate you so much for being considerate and patient with them.
You might just stop being an Acquaintance to them, and find yourself being a really good friend instead.